do you think reese witherspoon calls her children reese’s pieces cause i hope she does
—Theodore Dreiser (via modernhepburn)
I am going to send every one of these to my brother one text message at a time and see how furious he is by the time he gets home
WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE PUNS PUNS ARE THE HIGHEST FORM OF HUMOR THIS IS A FACT
—Elliott Kay (via lizewskey)
one time i saw someone skipping rocks and eating a sandwich along the beach and idk he just tossed his sandwich in the water and bit the rock and he just stiffened a bit but i saw him dying inside after realizing what had just happened
My dog turns three in one hour.
The joke is that I put a beer in his bowl because he’ll be turning 3 which is 21 in dog years. I have been planning this joke for a week.
My co-worker sent an email saying he would be late because he was trying to untie a squirrel tail knot. I asked for a picture, and he delivered.
This is the email he sent:I was pressed into squirrel rescue this morning on my way out. 5 young squirrels got tangled in Christmas lights in my neighbor’s yard. We got the lights off, but now their tails are one big knot, so I have to bring them into a rescue place to untie them, as I am unequipped to untie squirrel tail knots. I should be in this afternoon.
“as I am unequipped to untie squirrel tail knots.”